Someday

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I man known" (1 Corinthians 13:11-12). These are verses that follow after Paul's words on charity. It is my hope that the sentiments that he expressed will be the same as those that persecute, harass, and hate people like me. My heart is filled with anger and it is constantly directed at these people that hate me.

But I choose to change my heart now. Why should I waste my energy on people that wish to hate me? No amount of my hatred will change their views. They will still continue to portray gays and lesbians as child molesters or are the products of being molested as children, rapists, abusers, compulsively promiscuous, and are the products of a delusional and warped mind. I will no longer carry hatred toward those that express their insecurities and hatred in acts of violence, terror, and hate-filled words.

We are all humans. I am and so are the ones that express hatred towards people like me. Whether our origin is divine or natural, we are still all related. We are members of the same species and share a common ancestry. We have the power to decide our own destiny. We can overcome misery, suffering, and hatred to achieve a peace that transcends the simplistic view we hold now in defining it as the absence of war.

That is my hope. I have only one last scripture to share (again taken from the Bible), "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee" (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Priorities

It's interesting how a person's interests can change. A quick perusal of previous posts shows that I valued religion highly and wanted to avoid nearly anything homosexual. Under that thought process I began to hate my life and wanted to just be finished with everything. Now, with the LDS religion having lost its hold, my desire to at last find love in the way my body appears to be interested in has become important...to a point. I find it interesting.

Under the professed beliefs of love, hope, and faith I desperately wanted death, happiness, and an end to the growing darkness in my mind. How was any of that a true reflection of the supposed Gospel of peace and love? Certainly seeking happiness (or joy as I had called it) is a worthwhile thing. But I realize now how fruitless that search had been. I was growing weary of living yet was trapped in this life. My own poetry seemed to show a longing for the desire to be dead.

Now, I am thrilled with every second of my life. I want to constantly improve and move beyond the former desires of my body, or addictions. I just feel this energy to clear away the rubbish in my mind and soul. So I have to wonder: was it the desire of a God to condemn me for something I had no power over? Am I sinning for having so much joy and peace in my heart? I feel free beyond expression!

Is this what religion is supposed to be? Peace, love, joy, optimism? If not, it should be. I have more happiness and joy in my life right now than ever before! I look forward to the day when I can remove the final shackles holding me down, holding me back.

Yet through all of this, religion is set to be vigorously and rigorously challenged and questioned. It's unchallenged control in my life nearly ruined me. How shall I treat it now? With hatred? Ridicule? Compassion? Curiosity? I only want to seek the truth and rescue myself from the edge of oblivion.

The Better Man

The measure of worth of a religion or the sect of a religion is not in how they treat their members, though that is crucially important, but how they treat those outside the community of believers. "For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? (Matthew 5: 46-47)" Being compassionate, merciful, and showing support for those outside your particular faith is truly what matters.

Haven't centuries of fighting between religions taught us anything? Demonizing our foes is not what God wants. There is already enough hate in the world. Why not go down a different path; one of compassion and understanding?

Mormons even state in their Articles of Faith "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own consciousness, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." That is a statement among the Mormon community ensuring that all those that do not espouse the Mormon view of God to worship in peace. Shouldn't this extend into all areas of life: political, social, and private?

I went to a church service with conservative Christians today. The service was a unique experience for me. It was the first time I had ever watched people worship God with a band. The message was on Genesis 31. Things were interesting in the sense that they were from a view I was not used to. People shouted "amen" and held their hands up in worship all of which does not happen in the Mormon church (though we do say amen but it's at the end of talks/sermons). I was fine with all that. I wanted to experience something new and different from what I have so far experienced.

What bothered me was when the pastor expressed his anger towards "unbelievers" invoking the name of God in their actions. He was mad at "unbelievers" using scriptures against Christians. He then proceeded to use the example of homosexuals. His very voice seemed to drip venom at the word "homosexual." It was an ugly and profane word to him. He expressed his disgust at homosexuals using the Bible to argue against Christians that viewed being gay as a heinous sin.

He never seemed to consider that a so-called homosexual would be there in his congregation. He never once considered that he might be saying something offensive. While I sat there listening, I couldn't help but wonder "Does he try to read and learn about homosexuality? Does he care about what we experience and go through?" His words, so full of hate, nearly closed my heart and mind to the message he was sharing. Surely homosexuality is something that shouldn't bar a person from seeking God. Did God create all things? So the Christians claim. Did he not proclaim all creation good? Did homosexuality somehow sneak past him during creation that he didn't mean to bless it? Surely God, all-knowing as he is, knew that homosexuality was part of creation and therefore considered it good.

But whether he did or not is certainly not the point. The point is: the pastor considered me an outsider and unworthy to even approach the Bible. What does that say about his community of faith's approach to outsiders? I am not wanted and unworthy. Why on earth, then, would I ever want to show compassion to them when they truly have none for me or those like me?

Yet, as Jesus has taught in the Bible, I will turn the other cheek. I will be the better man in this.

The Unmentioned Vacation

Nearly four months have passed since my last post. I had to read my previously posts to refresh my memory of all that I had written. I must confess that I didn't realize how much my life has changed since the last one. My life, I will admit, is not the same. So, I want to give a brief summary of some subjects in a token effort to catch my blog up on my life.

1. I am no longer in the closet. I came out in the past four months to nearly the rest of my family (with the exception of my sister), close and casual friends, and am no longer acting under the belief of "I am gay but I will resist it." In some ways, perhaps, my sexuality has come the closest to being a non-issue since I first came to an understanding that I was homosexual.

2. I am no longer depressed. Sure I have moments when I get down. But I no longer have thoughts about killing. I still have the urge to cut but that is due, in my opinion, to some kind of addiction than a true conscious need. My stress level has dropped phenomenally. I can't even believe it!

3. I am no longer a devout Mormon. This is perhaps the most complicated issue currently in my life. But I basically went from being theistic to atheistic to agnostic to agnostic leaning towards hoping that theism is true.

I will go into greater detail in later posts. But I have become so happy and free! I can hardly believe such a thing was possible!

50 Minutes

It's pretty late here. But I wanted to post on my visit with the psychologist this past Thursday. I visited with her and it was for the most part pleasant. For the most part things went well...but then it changed subtly. As is well known by now, I am seeing a psychologist to help me to work through my stress issues and try to discover better coping techniques.

Last Thursday we talked about having suicidal thoughts, cutting, and being gay. A bit of a comparison is necessary here. I told my brother about those same things and his response was quite different from the psychologist's. He was very concerned about my having suicidal thoughts and that I wanted to cut myself (this was before I ended up doing so). He didn't really focus much on my being gay other then to point out that he loves me no matter what. The psychologist on the other hand was almost disinterested in those things. She seemed to examine them casually and with no real concern. Her main interest, though, was that I was attracted to other guys.

Being gay is like being left-handed for me. It's just part of me and is something that assists in defining a part of the whole of me. It does not control my life but influences me and inspires me just as my religious, moral, and intellectual views influence me. I see it as no more consuming then a normal straight person would be overwhelmed by liking the opposite sex.

The psychologist offered a therapy that she professed would change my orientation. In essence, she told me I could become straight if I wanted to (with her help and a fixed determination). I declined her offer. I didn't believe it was something I wanted. I don't think it would be healthy for me to undergo such an attempt. I also believe it would ultimately fail. Ultimately, I believe it would just increase the stress exponentially. I have no doubt that undergoing such therapy would dramatically increase my suicidal thoughts to the point even that I would attempt what I think.

I just don't need that.

I don't believe that God wants me to go down that avenue. From all that I've read, watched, and listened to, I also believe and understand that what she was advocating is highly controversial. There is no real claim that such therapy even works to turn a gay person straight. Besides, I love how my emotions and views are affected by my being gay. It gives me a chance to view the world in a different way just as being moderately liberal at an overwhelmingly conservative school gives me the chance to better explore and understand this amazingly beautiful and complex world that I live in.

So, in written form, my response to my psychologists offer is this: I don't need it. I'm fine being gay. I'm happy with it and even content. I have no doubts that God loves me and that I am of infinite worth to Him. I do not believe the therapy that you recommend truly works in the same way that you imply. I think such therapy is unhealthy, unnatural, and even dangerous. I would rather define my life by the gifts I'm given instead of trying to exchange them for something else.

Freedom from the Darkness

I quit my job last week. It took six months and my older brother to convince of the negative influence it was having on my life. My former job wasn't hard by any stretch of the imagination. It wasn't some terrible job in the sense that it asks for heavy lifting or anything remotely related to that. I was a custodian at a building on campus and I worked for only three hours a day from 5 - 8am. During the summer and early part of the fall semester it wasn't that bad and it was even enjoyable to do. It kept me busy and gave me something new to do.

But the months wore on and school became progressively harder. Everything just seemed to get harder, sadder, and darker. My memories of the Fall semester are tainted by a remembrance of frustration and unending stress. It just felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. When then Winter semester began, things hadn't improved. I felt like I was barely holding on and was even further isolated from what I felt was "everything and everyone." At school I felt like I was behind everyone and disconnected. My desire to kill myself became amplified over the past month. Then, of course, I cut myself.

My older brother and I talked then. He shared his view that work was causing unnecessary stress in my life and causing harm everywhere else in my life. I believed him but didn't do anything about it. The next week I came down with the flu and became unable to work. I felt terrible and sick the entire time and was just exhausted. Sunny Llama was the one that told me to go see the doctor (thanks!).

It was that Thursday, about two weeks back now, that I realized I had to quit my job. I'll never forget the peace and joy I felt at seeing the sun already up. The world seemed so happy and so bright. It just felt so wonderful. I knew I couldn't go back to work. It would be like resigning myself to utter abandonment and eventual unspeakable things. I quit the Wednesday after that. Yes, it took me two more work days to final dig up the nerve to do so.

I was and still am thrilled over quitting. I don't know how I will pay for things but I haven't felt so happy and cheerful like this in probably many months.

In another post I'll share what the psychologist told me on Thursday concerning my being gay.

Recognition

Honesty has more concrete definitions to it then the vague notion of simply following "the truth." Honesty, in my opinion and especially in my efforts with what is going on in my life, means not accepting the shallow answers but making an effort to dig deeper and not settle down until I believe that I have reached a reasonable conclusion on a particular answer. It means that I let go of preconceived notions on what is right and wrong and instead approach it from the lens of both science and religion. It means, ultimately, trusting that there are truthful answers out there that will better my life and that those answers will likely come from the most unlikely of places.

I drifted away from this sense of home for many reasons, among them the reason of believing that I no longer felt attachment to the same beliefs professed earlier by myself. If I am to ever to find where I belong, a home, I must accept that my current beliefs may have faults and that I am not immune to correction. I can rise above the issues that plague me currently. I have managed to achieve a willingness to accept that they do exist and that I have the power to alter them for my benefit and improvement.

Responsibility. Joy. Hope. Understanding. Knowledge. Conviction. Willpower. Courage. Optimism. These are all traits I need to garner and improve. But in so doing I cannot believe that I must shift my emphasis away from religion and being gay. Determining what those mean in my life and how I will approach them will do far more to affect the traits I seek then an effort in cultivation of traits.

This, I think, is the first entry I have written that has a strong vein of hope running through it. But I know that it will not be easier. I have failed so many, many times before this and may well likely fail again. But this desire within to change grows stronger every passing moment. My choice to act on it each time seems to only make me stronger and more able to resist again and again after each failed attempt. The failure shrinks. The sting of the backward slide decreases while the determination to try again grows stronger.

I recognize this now.

Stirrings

I have been delaying this post on my religion because I haven't been quite sure how to write it. But now I feel as though I know how to proceed in this. This heart of mine yearns to find release from the troubles that I have permitted to come upon it. The one major concern that obstructs progress forward, though, is the lack of knowing where or how to proceed. I realize this is due to some of my religious questionings that have gone on as of late in my head.

But even knowing this does not alleviate the stress and the feelings of confusion and loss that fill my soul to the brim in frustration and even bitterness. I become angry for no real rational reason when I hear from the mouths of others just how at peace they are with their faith. In their words I hear the conviction of blind faith and unchallenged beliefs. I believe I pity them but I realize that I envy their simplicity and their ease at living their life without wondering and pondering over their religious opinions. When it comes to religious conversions I take strength and comfort in the stories of Alma and his son as well as of Paul. Knowing that some of the Lord's most valiant and powerful ministers were men who had at one time questioned or even been rebellious against the faith gives me hope and understanding that I am not doing wrong.

I do admit that I have been lazy and inattentive in my efforts to resolve the issues that I have. But I'm trying to change that now in an effort to solve the problems that plague me and leave me reeling in a sense of loss and emptiness. I do so with the hope that I can discover just where my home is: where I belong. At the moment I am still at a loss and even arguably at square one in all of this.

I want to change that.

I have noticed that whenever I speak or write on religion or my religious views that they are inevitably connected with some desire of mine to improve, grow, and become better. Coincidence? More like habit from when I was a teenager. Not so surprising, as well, is the slow enmeshing of my religious views and beliefs with being gay.

Religion is something I value highly and I realize something that touches on all aspects of my life even when I am not actively involved in my church or faith. Something deep within stirs in response to the belief in the divine. It is that stirring that I feel within that has led me to identify that religion and being gay are the two most powerful stresses in my life. They alone dominate and tip the scale of stress that sends me spiraling into depression and feelings of no self-worth (more on that at a later time).

Strange? Well, I believe that I have not adequately considered the question of religion properly in my life. I also have not considered the question of being gay in my life either. So I realize that my first steps towards improvement must lie in that. Then, and only then, when I feel that I have reached steadier ground and my soul isn't drowning in fears of stress and suicidal desires, can I reasonably address the next step in my relationship with God and the feelings that were placed within my mind, heart, soul, and body.

Living For

I'm writing this before I start my homework. I'm a little frustrated with my roommates but I'll write on that another post. I wanted to write about something else that was weighing heavily on my mind.

What am I living for?

Currently I am alone. I have allowed local friendships shrink away in the name of homework and classwork. Ever since the start of last semester my stress level has been off the charts. In the name of homework and classwork (or perhaps in the name of something else) I experienced a major increase in suicidal thoughts and an increase in their intensity as well as even attempting to hurt myself for the first time in over five years. I have become plagued with reoccurring depression. I have begun to experience headaches for the first time in my life and now become nauseous over some of the strangest things whereas before they had never bothered me. And, ironically, I feel like I barely survived in my classes the previous semester.

So what, then, am I living for? Am I living for love? I don't even know what that is. How about friends? No, I have abandoned them and have avoided truly cultivating any in the meantime. Well, what about myself? Narcissism really isn't me.

I have a friend, named Sunny Llama, that has the most adorable dog in the world! That dog literally loves making people happy. It's virtually impossible not to love that dog! I can understand the need to have an animal. I honestly think I would get a pet too but my apartment complex frowns on the owning of pets. I can't blame them either. Plus, I'm so poor.

What joy is there in my life? At the moment I find it extremely helpful to write this all out on my blog. It gives me a chance to air out these feelings of pain and loneliness. I feel as though I can release some of the negative emotions that are building up within. In short, I feel lighter when I dump these negative feelings on the Internet.

I know I shouldn't complain. Honestly, I am lucky and fortunate to be where I am. But thinking that only just adds to my feelings of being pathetic and increasing the slowly growing desire to die.

But, for those that care, I still think I'm at low risk of actually going through with committing suicide.

What God Designed

Being a gay Mormon is a strange mix. I am the one that when people talk about me they say, "Oh he is? Well, isn't that sad" or "I thought he would have done better." Well, something along those lines. I don't mean to request for pity at my lot in life. I am just adding another entry in an effort to learn how to come "home" even if that home means building a new one.

I have known since I was about twelve that I was gay but it wasn't until I was fourteen and sixteen that I came under the believe that I was somehow this ugly, abominable creation of God. I had no thought in me until the age of fourteen that there could be anything wrong with how I felt towards other guys. After all, I had feelings for both guys and girls. I just had crushes on guys a hundred times more then on girls.

When I came under the false belief that I was some abomination, life become dark and gloomy. To avoid darkening this post anymore then necessary I will summarize my activities. I engaged in self-hatred that took the form of low-level suicidal thoughts and active self-mutilation along with a generic attitude of self-loathing. When I look back upon those years, I am saddened that I had ever thought that hatred could change anything. I allowed religion, psychology, and political opinion to become twisted by my own fears and anxieties which those aspects in turn amplified my fears and anxieties to an unhealthy level. The tears of despair were innumerable and the feelings of pain over my attractions were truly unnecessary. So much wasted energy was spent in an attempt to "fix" or "cure" what God had never designed to be removed from its proper place: the soul.

I realized during my senior year of high school how terribly wrong I was. That single realization undid years of pain and self-hatred. It would take, though, another couple of years to fully undo the damage I had managed to do in my views.

Now here I am, realizing that more of my previously held views from high school concerning the nature of my soul were wrong. I have damaged and perhaps even retarded my ability to grow and improve. The sense of loss and bitterness over such a realization is inexpressible. I find that I am nearly at the point of square one and I realize now, more then ever, that I am wrong again on how things really are in life.

Anger, sorrow, bitterness, despair, hope, joy, loss, confusion, exhaustion, and curiosity somehow have managed to merge together despite their clear and obvious differences. I use to think that any issues I had with my attractions had been laid to rest months ago. I was happy and content with being gay. But after a conversation with the psychiatrist, I am left to wonder if I have been attempting to look the other way as I continued to twist and warp the very fabric of my soul in unhealthy and damaging ways.

Perhaps, ultimately, the only way I will ever anchor my soul is to reexamine just how I am handling things especially on this subject and to let things go and to embrace other things. The vagueness of the previous sentence should be revealing to the feeling of loss over how to even begin in this. I just wish I knew the path to proceed down, but I'm afraid that there is no path already made for me to walk down.