Recognition

Honesty has more concrete definitions to it then the vague notion of simply following "the truth." Honesty, in my opinion and especially in my efforts with what is going on in my life, means not accepting the shallow answers but making an effort to dig deeper and not settle down until I believe that I have reached a reasonable conclusion on a particular answer. It means that I let go of preconceived notions on what is right and wrong and instead approach it from the lens of both science and religion. It means, ultimately, trusting that there are truthful answers out there that will better my life and that those answers will likely come from the most unlikely of places.

I drifted away from this sense of home for many reasons, among them the reason of believing that I no longer felt attachment to the same beliefs professed earlier by myself. If I am to ever to find where I belong, a home, I must accept that my current beliefs may have faults and that I am not immune to correction. I can rise above the issues that plague me currently. I have managed to achieve a willingness to accept that they do exist and that I have the power to alter them for my benefit and improvement.

Responsibility. Joy. Hope. Understanding. Knowledge. Conviction. Willpower. Courage. Optimism. These are all traits I need to garner and improve. But in so doing I cannot believe that I must shift my emphasis away from religion and being gay. Determining what those mean in my life and how I will approach them will do far more to affect the traits I seek then an effort in cultivation of traits.

This, I think, is the first entry I have written that has a strong vein of hope running through it. But I know that it will not be easier. I have failed so many, many times before this and may well likely fail again. But this desire within to change grows stronger every passing moment. My choice to act on it each time seems to only make me stronger and more able to resist again and again after each failed attempt. The failure shrinks. The sting of the backward slide decreases while the determination to try again grows stronger.

I recognize this now.