Living For

I'm writing this before I start my homework. I'm a little frustrated with my roommates but I'll write on that another post. I wanted to write about something else that was weighing heavily on my mind.

What am I living for?

Currently I am alone. I have allowed local friendships shrink away in the name of homework and classwork. Ever since the start of last semester my stress level has been off the charts. In the name of homework and classwork (or perhaps in the name of something else) I experienced a major increase in suicidal thoughts and an increase in their intensity as well as even attempting to hurt myself for the first time in over five years. I have become plagued with reoccurring depression. I have begun to experience headaches for the first time in my life and now become nauseous over some of the strangest things whereas before they had never bothered me. And, ironically, I feel like I barely survived in my classes the previous semester.

So what, then, am I living for? Am I living for love? I don't even know what that is. How about friends? No, I have abandoned them and have avoided truly cultivating any in the meantime. Well, what about myself? Narcissism really isn't me.

I have a friend, named Sunny Llama, that has the most adorable dog in the world! That dog literally loves making people happy. It's virtually impossible not to love that dog! I can understand the need to have an animal. I honestly think I would get a pet too but my apartment complex frowns on the owning of pets. I can't blame them either. Plus, I'm so poor.

What joy is there in my life? At the moment I find it extremely helpful to write this all out on my blog. It gives me a chance to air out these feelings of pain and loneliness. I feel as though I can release some of the negative emotions that are building up within. In short, I feel lighter when I dump these negative feelings on the Internet.

I know I shouldn't complain. Honestly, I am lucky and fortunate to be where I am. But thinking that only just adds to my feelings of being pathetic and increasing the slowly growing desire to die.

But, for those that care, I still think I'm at low risk of actually going through with committing suicide.