50 Minutes

It's pretty late here. But I wanted to post on my visit with the psychologist this past Thursday. I visited with her and it was for the most part pleasant. For the most part things went well...but then it changed subtly. As is well known by now, I am seeing a psychologist to help me to work through my stress issues and try to discover better coping techniques.

Last Thursday we talked about having suicidal thoughts, cutting, and being gay. A bit of a comparison is necessary here. I told my brother about those same things and his response was quite different from the psychologist's. He was very concerned about my having suicidal thoughts and that I wanted to cut myself (this was before I ended up doing so). He didn't really focus much on my being gay other then to point out that he loves me no matter what. The psychologist on the other hand was almost disinterested in those things. She seemed to examine them casually and with no real concern. Her main interest, though, was that I was attracted to other guys.

Being gay is like being left-handed for me. It's just part of me and is something that assists in defining a part of the whole of me. It does not control my life but influences me and inspires me just as my religious, moral, and intellectual views influence me. I see it as no more consuming then a normal straight person would be overwhelmed by liking the opposite sex.

The psychologist offered a therapy that she professed would change my orientation. In essence, she told me I could become straight if I wanted to (with her help and a fixed determination). I declined her offer. I didn't believe it was something I wanted. I don't think it would be healthy for me to undergo such an attempt. I also believe it would ultimately fail. Ultimately, I believe it would just increase the stress exponentially. I have no doubt that undergoing such therapy would dramatically increase my suicidal thoughts to the point even that I would attempt what I think.

I just don't need that.

I don't believe that God wants me to go down that avenue. From all that I've read, watched, and listened to, I also believe and understand that what she was advocating is highly controversial. There is no real claim that such therapy even works to turn a gay person straight. Besides, I love how my emotions and views are affected by my being gay. It gives me a chance to view the world in a different way just as being moderately liberal at an overwhelmingly conservative school gives me the chance to better explore and understand this amazingly beautiful and complex world that I live in.

So, in written form, my response to my psychologists offer is this: I don't need it. I'm fine being gay. I'm happy with it and even content. I have no doubts that God loves me and that I am of infinite worth to Him. I do not believe the therapy that you recommend truly works in the same way that you imply. I think such therapy is unhealthy, unnatural, and even dangerous. I would rather define my life by the gifts I'm given instead of trying to exchange them for something else.

The Thoughts of a Fool

I wish I wasn't writing this but I feel I must. I think it's high time I discuss some of the other issues that I struggle with. I call it sorrow because I haven't been diagnosed with depression or anything (just General Anxiety Disorder). When I was a sophomore/junior in high school, I unfortunately began to perform self-mutilation on myself. I didn't use a razor or a knife (thought about it) but used a pencil because it was discreet. My parents never found out about it and I eventually managed to overcome my need for it by finding healthier ways to work through my problems.

I appears I haven't learned my lesson.

Unfortunately, after 5-6 years I have cut myself again. As I sit on the computer there are four angry red slashes across my right forearm. I cried and I cried today feeling like an utter failure (these feelings have not passed). It frightens me to the point that I don't know what to do. I feel utterly and completely lost and I feel like no one even notices.

It seems like unless I make a sound I am forgotten and not even needed. But enough on that. Unfortunately, there is something else that haunts me now. Over the past six-seven months, the usual suicide thoughts that came about once or twice every few months (or even a year) have become more frequent to the point of occurring several times a week. I feel emotionally taxed already alongside a bad ability to handle stress, worn out from constant school work and just working to find ways to solve my financial situation. I believe that the suicide thoughts are still at the stage of harmless but are alarming nonetheless.

I don't know what to do. I need help. But it feels like everything in my life is just falling apart...and I can't seem to stop it. I'm terrified that if this isn't crisis mode yet that I won't be able to handle crisis mode.

I apologize for these remarks. I feel like such an utter failure.

Recognition

Honesty has more concrete definitions to it then the vague notion of simply following "the truth." Honesty, in my opinion and especially in my efforts with what is going on in my life, means not accepting the shallow answers but making an effort to dig deeper and not settle down until I believe that I have reached a reasonable conclusion on a particular answer. It means that I let go of preconceived notions on what is right and wrong and instead approach it from the lens of both science and religion. It means, ultimately, trusting that there are truthful answers out there that will better my life and that those answers will likely come from the most unlikely of places.

I drifted away from this sense of home for many reasons, among them the reason of believing that I no longer felt attachment to the same beliefs professed earlier by myself. If I am to ever to find where I belong, a home, I must accept that my current beliefs may have faults and that I am not immune to correction. I can rise above the issues that plague me currently. I have managed to achieve a willingness to accept that they do exist and that I have the power to alter them for my benefit and improvement.

Responsibility. Joy. Hope. Understanding. Knowledge. Conviction. Willpower. Courage. Optimism. These are all traits I need to garner and improve. But in so doing I cannot believe that I must shift my emphasis away from religion and being gay. Determining what those mean in my life and how I will approach them will do far more to affect the traits I seek then an effort in cultivation of traits.

This, I think, is the first entry I have written that has a strong vein of hope running through it. But I know that it will not be easier. I have failed so many, many times before this and may well likely fail again. But this desire within to change grows stronger every passing moment. My choice to act on it each time seems to only make me stronger and more able to resist again and again after each failed attempt. The failure shrinks. The sting of the backward slide decreases while the determination to try again grows stronger.

I recognize this now.

Where I Stand

When choosing to write this, I considered several options: some teasing and some rather bland and probably uninteresting. I can only hope this appears to be interesting to more then just me. Now before I go forward, I believe an introduction is somewhat necessary before this journey even begins.

I have a reason for writing this blog (not that great of a surprise, I would imagine): to better understand who I am. Over the past two years I feel like I have become detached from who I am and become awash in tedious schooling and unhealthy habits. Imagine being put in a cage that is just tall enough to prevent you from standing fully erect and only just so wide as to not allow you to stretch your legs out fully and that is how I feel my life has become.

In some ways I feel trapped and pressed down by stress and the responsibilities that others have placed on me. Much like weeds that slowly strangle the flower from the required nutrients to sustain life. At the same time, others are not to blame for my current situation. To blame others would be a sad and foolish move on my part. Much of my current situation is the result of choices I have made (or avoided making). And now I am living the consequences of past decisions made and therefore, in many cases, have only myself to blame.

But I believe there is an escape: an escape from the labels and the traps I have fallen into; a way to correct past decisions by making proper and right decisions now that benefit me and not harm me. I see a way to escape and to step beyond what I currently am: small and insignificant. I want to become more then that but not necessarily in the form of having fame, power, or money. I just want to be more honest in my expressions.

Yes, honesty.

For I feel I am far from home and that is something no person should experience for long periods of time. I haven't felt like I was truly at home for over four years now; lost and adrift. So this blog serves as the purpose of trying to rediscover who I am and coming out of this rather small and pathetic "me."

Join me on this. Don't join me. I will make the journey regardless but certainly wouldn't say no to bystanders and observers.