Questions and Drift

It's raining outside. The weather is nearly cold enough for it to snow...but at this point no snow. I'm definitely happy about that! There's a lot on my mind as of late from morality to theism to school to just life in general. I have a lot of decisions to make right now. Some of those decisions are what do I want to do after I graduate next year and others are how do I find an answer to the existence of God. Honestly, the wide range of questions is great and all, but I never make time to work through them to find answers.

Nice, huh?

Still, that's the point of this blog. Work through my questions, explore my options, and come to a decision. I already know the God question would take a long time. Some closure is necessary but for now I will hold that off. Questions about how best to improve my health are high priority alongside my want to be on top of my finances and moving away from my interest in pornography and masturbation.

As of now, I'm sitting in the dark at the kitchen table. Two of my roommates have left for the three-day weekend, two are gone to who-know-where and my last roommate is just relaxing in his room. None of us are party animals by any stretch of the imagination but we are most certainly not geeks (maybe I am the closest, ha ha!). We enjoy a good time like anyone else but our interests take us far from the party scene.

Thus concludes this rambling post.

The Better Man

The measure of worth of a religion or the sect of a religion is not in how they treat their members, though that is crucially important, but how they treat those outside the community of believers. "For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? (Matthew 5: 46-47)" Being compassionate, merciful, and showing support for those outside your particular faith is truly what matters.

Haven't centuries of fighting between religions taught us anything? Demonizing our foes is not what God wants. There is already enough hate in the world. Why not go down a different path; one of compassion and understanding?

Mormons even state in their Articles of Faith "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own consciousness, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." That is a statement among the Mormon community ensuring that all those that do not espouse the Mormon view of God to worship in peace. Shouldn't this extend into all areas of life: political, social, and private?

I went to a church service with conservative Christians today. The service was a unique experience for me. It was the first time I had ever watched people worship God with a band. The message was on Genesis 31. Things were interesting in the sense that they were from a view I was not used to. People shouted "amen" and held their hands up in worship all of which does not happen in the Mormon church (though we do say amen but it's at the end of talks/sermons). I was fine with all that. I wanted to experience something new and different from what I have so far experienced.

What bothered me was when the pastor expressed his anger towards "unbelievers" invoking the name of God in their actions. He was mad at "unbelievers" using scriptures against Christians. He then proceeded to use the example of homosexuals. His very voice seemed to drip venom at the word "homosexual." It was an ugly and profane word to him. He expressed his disgust at homosexuals using the Bible to argue against Christians that viewed being gay as a heinous sin.

He never seemed to consider that a so-called homosexual would be there in his congregation. He never once considered that he might be saying something offensive. While I sat there listening, I couldn't help but wonder "Does he try to read and learn about homosexuality? Does he care about what we experience and go through?" His words, so full of hate, nearly closed my heart and mind to the message he was sharing. Surely homosexuality is something that shouldn't bar a person from seeking God. Did God create all things? So the Christians claim. Did he not proclaim all creation good? Did homosexuality somehow sneak past him during creation that he didn't mean to bless it? Surely God, all-knowing as he is, knew that homosexuality was part of creation and therefore considered it good.

But whether he did or not is certainly not the point. The point is: the pastor considered me an outsider and unworthy to even approach the Bible. What does that say about his community of faith's approach to outsiders? I am not wanted and unworthy. Why on earth, then, would I ever want to show compassion to them when they truly have none for me or those like me?

Yet, as Jesus has taught in the Bible, I will turn the other cheek. I will be the better man in this.

Baptism of Death

I believe I can credit this radical change of self to religion, or more specifically atheism. The alteration of my religious beliefs have been the most dramatic and challenging. I spent some time over a month ago reading a book by Richard Dawkins called "The God Delusion." The book gave me power to challenge my beliefs in God and successfully destroyed twenty-three years of built up belief in the existence of a God. So successful was it that I went towards agnosticism.

Yet I couldn't go further. Not yet. I did not want to allow one book to change everything in my life. I wanted to return to theism but more carefully. I wanted to seek a belief in God. The wonderful thing about that was that my old beliefs towards God were shed. I had become new in my view of religion, morality, and beliefs.

Perhaps that strongest change in my internal morality compass was that being gay and believing in God are no longer intertwined. I don't see having a belief in God as conflicting with my desire to find companionship. I feel free at last and that is an amazing thing.

I don't know if there is a God. I don't know if such a Being has ever existed in all my life and all the eons before and after me. I want to know now but I want to better understand that belief and explore the world before me. I am, at last, a creature born anew in religion. Freed from the previous views on God and morality. I feel like I can stand up straight for the first time in my life. I have this sense of inner peace that I can at last seek out the questions I have long held.

So atheism is to thank for this theistic-leaning agnosticism. It killed the God I had built up in my mind and gave me the key to challenging everything I had ever believed. Now I want to know the truth. I have this thirst to know if there is a God.

And for once in my religious life I feel 100% confident that I am doing the right thing.

I am happy and free of guilt for the first time in a long time.

The Unmentioned Vacation

Nearly four months have passed since my last post. I had to read my previously posts to refresh my memory of all that I had written. I must confess that I didn't realize how much my life has changed since the last one. My life, I will admit, is not the same. So, I want to give a brief summary of some subjects in a token effort to catch my blog up on my life.

1. I am no longer in the closet. I came out in the past four months to nearly the rest of my family (with the exception of my sister), close and casual friends, and am no longer acting under the belief of "I am gay but I will resist it." In some ways, perhaps, my sexuality has come the closest to being a non-issue since I first came to an understanding that I was homosexual.

2. I am no longer depressed. Sure I have moments when I get down. But I no longer have thoughts about killing. I still have the urge to cut but that is due, in my opinion, to some kind of addiction than a true conscious need. My stress level has dropped phenomenally. I can't even believe it!

3. I am no longer a devout Mormon. This is perhaps the most complicated issue currently in my life. But I basically went from being theistic to atheistic to agnostic to agnostic leaning towards hoping that theism is true.

I will go into greater detail in later posts. But I have become so happy and free! I can hardly believe such a thing was possible!

Recognition

Honesty has more concrete definitions to it then the vague notion of simply following "the truth." Honesty, in my opinion and especially in my efforts with what is going on in my life, means not accepting the shallow answers but making an effort to dig deeper and not settle down until I believe that I have reached a reasonable conclusion on a particular answer. It means that I let go of preconceived notions on what is right and wrong and instead approach it from the lens of both science and religion. It means, ultimately, trusting that there are truthful answers out there that will better my life and that those answers will likely come from the most unlikely of places.

I drifted away from this sense of home for many reasons, among them the reason of believing that I no longer felt attachment to the same beliefs professed earlier by myself. If I am to ever to find where I belong, a home, I must accept that my current beliefs may have faults and that I am not immune to correction. I can rise above the issues that plague me currently. I have managed to achieve a willingness to accept that they do exist and that I have the power to alter them for my benefit and improvement.

Responsibility. Joy. Hope. Understanding. Knowledge. Conviction. Willpower. Courage. Optimism. These are all traits I need to garner and improve. But in so doing I cannot believe that I must shift my emphasis away from religion and being gay. Determining what those mean in my life and how I will approach them will do far more to affect the traits I seek then an effort in cultivation of traits.

This, I think, is the first entry I have written that has a strong vein of hope running through it. But I know that it will not be easier. I have failed so many, many times before this and may well likely fail again. But this desire within to change grows stronger every passing moment. My choice to act on it each time seems to only make me stronger and more able to resist again and again after each failed attempt. The failure shrinks. The sting of the backward slide decreases while the determination to try again grows stronger.

I recognize this now.

Stirrings

I have been delaying this post on my religion because I haven't been quite sure how to write it. But now I feel as though I know how to proceed in this. This heart of mine yearns to find release from the troubles that I have permitted to come upon it. The one major concern that obstructs progress forward, though, is the lack of knowing where or how to proceed. I realize this is due to some of my religious questionings that have gone on as of late in my head.

But even knowing this does not alleviate the stress and the feelings of confusion and loss that fill my soul to the brim in frustration and even bitterness. I become angry for no real rational reason when I hear from the mouths of others just how at peace they are with their faith. In their words I hear the conviction of blind faith and unchallenged beliefs. I believe I pity them but I realize that I envy their simplicity and their ease at living their life without wondering and pondering over their religious opinions. When it comes to religious conversions I take strength and comfort in the stories of Alma and his son as well as of Paul. Knowing that some of the Lord's most valiant and powerful ministers were men who had at one time questioned or even been rebellious against the faith gives me hope and understanding that I am not doing wrong.

I do admit that I have been lazy and inattentive in my efforts to resolve the issues that I have. But I'm trying to change that now in an effort to solve the problems that plague me and leave me reeling in a sense of loss and emptiness. I do so with the hope that I can discover just where my home is: where I belong. At the moment I am still at a loss and even arguably at square one in all of this.

I want to change that.

I have noticed that whenever I speak or write on religion or my religious views that they are inevitably connected with some desire of mine to improve, grow, and become better. Coincidence? More like habit from when I was a teenager. Not so surprising, as well, is the slow enmeshing of my religious views and beliefs with being gay.

Religion is something I value highly and I realize something that touches on all aspects of my life even when I am not actively involved in my church or faith. Something deep within stirs in response to the belief in the divine. It is that stirring that I feel within that has led me to identify that religion and being gay are the two most powerful stresses in my life. They alone dominate and tip the scale of stress that sends me spiraling into depression and feelings of no self-worth (more on that at a later time).

Strange? Well, I believe that I have not adequately considered the question of religion properly in my life. I also have not considered the question of being gay in my life either. So I realize that my first steps towards improvement must lie in that. Then, and only then, when I feel that I have reached steadier ground and my soul isn't drowning in fears of stress and suicidal desires, can I reasonably address the next step in my relationship with God and the feelings that were placed within my mind, heart, soul, and body.