Heaven Only Knows

I have no home here in the shadow of the mountains. Though the rocky features are certainly inspiring and moving, there is nothing that anchors me to this spot beyond going to school. I feel no deep connection to the people here and no deep connection to the culture that exists in the valleys beyond similarities in how we were raised (standards and such). My heart seems to wander about like some phantom silently moving about in search of something that perhaps never was or can be.

When I walk on campus I am reminded of things I feel that are denied to me on several levels. The happiness of others is something that I envy not because I am forbidden it (though that is a subject for another entry), but because I feel a sense of loss. With no anchor I am adrift socially, spiritually, and emotionally. The words of others seem to slide off me without leaving too much of a mark. A casual smile on my part leaves no commitment in others to engage in warmer relations with me. But such a hope on my part is small and nigh unto being extinguished.

I use to walk down the paths of my school and the streets beyond campus feeling as though a weight were pressing me down. It felt like too much effort to smile or even to reach out and engage in social interactions with my peers. But I realized that such an attitude on my part was unhealthy and it led me to talking with the psychologist. Yet sterile conversation holds no joy for me beyond the hope of finding the right and helpful coping mechanisms that can assist me in moving beyond this shadowed, homeless living.

I am lost and adrift upon this sea of uncertainty known as life. But even more painful and hurtful in all of this: I am alone. And that is something that gnaws at me and leaves me to wonder if in all my efforts to work through my "problems," it is worth it. Can a healthy mind with no one to engage in on a deeper level truly be worth the effort or am I just kidding myself? Heaven only knows.