Priorities

It's interesting how a person's interests can change. A quick perusal of previous posts shows that I valued religion highly and wanted to avoid nearly anything homosexual. Under that thought process I began to hate my life and wanted to just be finished with everything. Now, with the LDS religion having lost its hold, my desire to at last find love in the way my body appears to be interested in has become important...to a point. I find it interesting.

Under the professed beliefs of love, hope, and faith I desperately wanted death, happiness, and an end to the growing darkness in my mind. How was any of that a true reflection of the supposed Gospel of peace and love? Certainly seeking happiness (or joy as I had called it) is a worthwhile thing. But I realize now how fruitless that search had been. I was growing weary of living yet was trapped in this life. My own poetry seemed to show a longing for the desire to be dead.

Now, I am thrilled with every second of my life. I want to constantly improve and move beyond the former desires of my body, or addictions. I just feel this energy to clear away the rubbish in my mind and soul. So I have to wonder: was it the desire of a God to condemn me for something I had no power over? Am I sinning for having so much joy and peace in my heart? I feel free beyond expression!

Is this what religion is supposed to be? Peace, love, joy, optimism? If not, it should be. I have more happiness and joy in my life right now than ever before! I look forward to the day when I can remove the final shackles holding me down, holding me back.

Yet through all of this, religion is set to be vigorously and rigorously challenged and questioned. It's unchallenged control in my life nearly ruined me. How shall I treat it now? With hatred? Ridicule? Compassion? Curiosity? I only want to seek the truth and rescue myself from the edge of oblivion.