Freedom from the Darkness

I quit my job last week. It took six months and my older brother to convince of the negative influence it was having on my life. My former job wasn't hard by any stretch of the imagination. It wasn't some terrible job in the sense that it asks for heavy lifting or anything remotely related to that. I was a custodian at a building on campus and I worked for only three hours a day from 5 - 8am. During the summer and early part of the fall semester it wasn't that bad and it was even enjoyable to do. It kept me busy and gave me something new to do.

But the months wore on and school became progressively harder. Everything just seemed to get harder, sadder, and darker. My memories of the Fall semester are tainted by a remembrance of frustration and unending stress. It just felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. When then Winter semester began, things hadn't improved. I felt like I was barely holding on and was even further isolated from what I felt was "everything and everyone." At school I felt like I was behind everyone and disconnected. My desire to kill myself became amplified over the past month. Then, of course, I cut myself.

My older brother and I talked then. He shared his view that work was causing unnecessary stress in my life and causing harm everywhere else in my life. I believed him but didn't do anything about it. The next week I came down with the flu and became unable to work. I felt terrible and sick the entire time and was just exhausted. Sunny Llama was the one that told me to go see the doctor (thanks!).

It was that Thursday, about two weeks back now, that I realized I had to quit my job. I'll never forget the peace and joy I felt at seeing the sun already up. The world seemed so happy and so bright. It just felt so wonderful. I knew I couldn't go back to work. It would be like resigning myself to utter abandonment and eventual unspeakable things. I quit the Wednesday after that. Yes, it took me two more work days to final dig up the nerve to do so.

I was and still am thrilled over quitting. I don't know how I will pay for things but I haven't felt so happy and cheerful like this in probably many months.

In another post I'll share what the psychologist told me on Thursday concerning my being gay.