It's interesting how a person's interests can change. A quick perusal of previous posts shows that I valued religion highly and wanted to avoid nearly anything homosexual. Under that thought process I began to hate my life and wanted to just be finished with everything. Now, with the LDS religion having lost its hold, my desire to at last find love in the way my body appears to be interested in has become important...to a point. I find it interesting.
Under the professed beliefs of love, hope, and faith I desperately wanted death, happiness, and an end to the growing darkness in my mind. How was any of that a true reflection of the supposed Gospel of peace and love? Certainly seeking happiness (or joy as I had called it) is a worthwhile thing. But I realize now how fruitless that search had been. I was growing weary of living yet was trapped in this life. My own poetry seemed to show a longing for the desire to be dead.
Now, I am thrilled with every second of my life. I want to constantly improve and move beyond the former desires of my body, or addictions. I just feel this energy to clear away the rubbish in my mind and soul. So I have to wonder: was it the desire of a God to condemn me for something I had no power over? Am I sinning for having so much joy and peace in my heart? I feel free beyond expression!
Is this what religion is supposed to be? Peace, love, joy, optimism? If not, it should be. I have more happiness and joy in my life right now than ever before! I look forward to the day when I can remove the final shackles holding me down, holding me back.
Yet through all of this, religion is set to be vigorously and rigorously challenged and questioned. It's unchallenged control in my life nearly ruined me. How shall I treat it now? With hatred? Ridicule? Compassion? Curiosity? I only want to seek the truth and rescue myself from the edge of oblivion.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
The Better Man
The measure of worth of a religion or the sect of a religion is not in how they treat their members, though that is crucially important, but how they treat those outside the community of believers. "For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? (Matthew 5: 46-47)" Being compassionate, merciful, and showing support for those outside your particular faith is truly what matters.
Haven't centuries of fighting between religions taught us anything? Demonizing our foes is not what God wants. There is already enough hate in the world. Why not go down a different path; one of compassion and understanding?
Mormons even state in their Articles of Faith "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own consciousness, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." That is a statement among the Mormon community ensuring that all those that do not espouse the Mormon view of God to worship in peace. Shouldn't this extend into all areas of life: political, social, and private?
I went to a church service with conservative Christians today. The service was a unique experience for me. It was the first time I had ever watched people worship God with a band. The message was on Genesis 31. Things were interesting in the sense that they were from a view I was not used to. People shouted "amen" and held their hands up in worship all of which does not happen in the Mormon church (though we do say amen but it's at the end of talks/sermons). I was fine with all that. I wanted to experience something new and different from what I have so far experienced.
What bothered me was when the pastor expressed his anger towards "unbelievers" invoking the name of God in their actions. He was mad at "unbelievers" using scriptures against Christians. He then proceeded to use the example of homosexuals. His very voice seemed to drip venom at the word "homosexual." It was an ugly and profane word to him. He expressed his disgust at homosexuals using the Bible to argue against Christians that viewed being gay as a heinous sin.
He never seemed to consider that a so-called homosexual would be there in his congregation. He never once considered that he might be saying something offensive. While I sat there listening, I couldn't help but wonder "Does he try to read and learn about homosexuality? Does he care about what we experience and go through?" His words, so full of hate, nearly closed my heart and mind to the message he was sharing. Surely homosexuality is something that shouldn't bar a person from seeking God. Did God create all things? So the Christians claim. Did he not proclaim all creation good? Did homosexuality somehow sneak past him during creation that he didn't mean to bless it? Surely God, all-knowing as he is, knew that homosexuality was part of creation and therefore considered it good.
But whether he did or not is certainly not the point. The point is: the pastor considered me an outsider and unworthy to even approach the Bible. What does that say about his community of faith's approach to outsiders? I am not wanted and unworthy. Why on earth, then, would I ever want to show compassion to them when they truly have none for me or those like me?
Yet, as Jesus has taught in the Bible, I will turn the other cheek. I will be the better man in this.
Haven't centuries of fighting between religions taught us anything? Demonizing our foes is not what God wants. There is already enough hate in the world. Why not go down a different path; one of compassion and understanding?
Mormons even state in their Articles of Faith "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own consciousness, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." That is a statement among the Mormon community ensuring that all those that do not espouse the Mormon view of God to worship in peace. Shouldn't this extend into all areas of life: political, social, and private?
I went to a church service with conservative Christians today. The service was a unique experience for me. It was the first time I had ever watched people worship God with a band. The message was on Genesis 31. Things were interesting in the sense that they were from a view I was not used to. People shouted "amen" and held their hands up in worship all of which does not happen in the Mormon church (though we do say amen but it's at the end of talks/sermons). I was fine with all that. I wanted to experience something new and different from what I have so far experienced.
What bothered me was when the pastor expressed his anger towards "unbelievers" invoking the name of God in their actions. He was mad at "unbelievers" using scriptures against Christians. He then proceeded to use the example of homosexuals. His very voice seemed to drip venom at the word "homosexual." It was an ugly and profane word to him. He expressed his disgust at homosexuals using the Bible to argue against Christians that viewed being gay as a heinous sin.
He never seemed to consider that a so-called homosexual would be there in his congregation. He never once considered that he might be saying something offensive. While I sat there listening, I couldn't help but wonder "Does he try to read and learn about homosexuality? Does he care about what we experience and go through?" His words, so full of hate, nearly closed my heart and mind to the message he was sharing. Surely homosexuality is something that shouldn't bar a person from seeking God. Did God create all things? So the Christians claim. Did he not proclaim all creation good? Did homosexuality somehow sneak past him during creation that he didn't mean to bless it? Surely God, all-knowing as he is, knew that homosexuality was part of creation and therefore considered it good.
But whether he did or not is certainly not the point. The point is: the pastor considered me an outsider and unworthy to even approach the Bible. What does that say about his community of faith's approach to outsiders? I am not wanted and unworthy. Why on earth, then, would I ever want to show compassion to them when they truly have none for me or those like me?
Yet, as Jesus has taught in the Bible, I will turn the other cheek. I will be the better man in this.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Baptism of Death
I believe I can credit this radical change of self to religion, or more specifically atheism. The alteration of my religious beliefs have been the most dramatic and challenging. I spent some time over a month ago reading a book by Richard Dawkins called "The God Delusion." The book gave me power to challenge my beliefs in God and successfully destroyed twenty-three years of built up belief in the existence of a God. So successful was it that I went towards agnosticism.
Yet I couldn't go further. Not yet. I did not want to allow one book to change everything in my life. I wanted to return to theism but more carefully. I wanted to seek a belief in God. The wonderful thing about that was that my old beliefs towards God were shed. I had become new in my view of religion, morality, and beliefs.
Perhaps that strongest change in my internal morality compass was that being gay and believing in God are no longer intertwined. I don't see having a belief in God as conflicting with my desire to find companionship. I feel free at last and that is an amazing thing.
I don't know if there is a God. I don't know if such a Being has ever existed in all my life and all the eons before and after me. I want to know now but I want to better understand that belief and explore the world before me. I am, at last, a creature born anew in religion. Freed from the previous views on God and morality. I feel like I can stand up straight for the first time in my life. I have this sense of inner peace that I can at last seek out the questions I have long held.
So atheism is to thank for this theistic-leaning agnosticism. It killed the God I had built up in my mind and gave me the key to challenging everything I had ever believed. Now I want to know the truth. I have this thirst to know if there is a God.
And for once in my religious life I feel 100% confident that I am doing the right thing.
I am happy and free of guilt for the first time in a long time.
Yet I couldn't go further. Not yet. I did not want to allow one book to change everything in my life. I wanted to return to theism but more carefully. I wanted to seek a belief in God. The wonderful thing about that was that my old beliefs towards God were shed. I had become new in my view of religion, morality, and beliefs.
Perhaps that strongest change in my internal morality compass was that being gay and believing in God are no longer intertwined. I don't see having a belief in God as conflicting with my desire to find companionship. I feel free at last and that is an amazing thing.
I don't know if there is a God. I don't know if such a Being has ever existed in all my life and all the eons before and after me. I want to know now but I want to better understand that belief and explore the world before me. I am, at last, a creature born anew in religion. Freed from the previous views on God and morality. I feel like I can stand up straight for the first time in my life. I have this sense of inner peace that I can at last seek out the questions I have long held.
So atheism is to thank for this theistic-leaning agnosticism. It killed the God I had built up in my mind and gave me the key to challenging everything I had ever believed. Now I want to know the truth. I have this thirst to know if there is a God.
And for once in my religious life I feel 100% confident that I am doing the right thing.
I am happy and free of guilt for the first time in a long time.
The Unmentioned Vacation
Nearly four months have passed since my last post. I had to read my previously posts to refresh my memory of all that I had written. I must confess that I didn't realize how much my life has changed since the last one. My life, I will admit, is not the same. So, I want to give a brief summary of some subjects in a token effort to catch my blog up on my life.
1. I am no longer in the closet. I came out in the past four months to nearly the rest of my family (with the exception of my sister), close and casual friends, and am no longer acting under the belief of "I am gay but I will resist it." In some ways, perhaps, my sexuality has come the closest to being a non-issue since I first came to an understanding that I was homosexual.
2. I am no longer depressed. Sure I have moments when I get down. But I no longer have thoughts about killing. I still have the urge to cut but that is due, in my opinion, to some kind of addiction than a true conscious need. My stress level has dropped phenomenally. I can't even believe it!
3. I am no longer a devout Mormon. This is perhaps the most complicated issue currently in my life. But I basically went from being theistic to atheistic to agnostic to agnostic leaning towards hoping that theism is true.
I will go into greater detail in later posts. But I have become so happy and free! I can hardly believe such a thing was possible!
1. I am no longer in the closet. I came out in the past four months to nearly the rest of my family (with the exception of my sister), close and casual friends, and am no longer acting under the belief of "I am gay but I will resist it." In some ways, perhaps, my sexuality has come the closest to being a non-issue since I first came to an understanding that I was homosexual.
2. I am no longer depressed. Sure I have moments when I get down. But I no longer have thoughts about killing. I still have the urge to cut but that is due, in my opinion, to some kind of addiction than a true conscious need. My stress level has dropped phenomenally. I can't even believe it!
3. I am no longer a devout Mormon. This is perhaps the most complicated issue currently in my life. But I basically went from being theistic to atheistic to agnostic to agnostic leaning towards hoping that theism is true.
I will go into greater detail in later posts. But I have become so happy and free! I can hardly believe such a thing was possible!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
