50 Minutes

It's pretty late here. But I wanted to post on my visit with the psychologist this past Thursday. I visited with her and it was for the most part pleasant. For the most part things went well...but then it changed subtly. As is well known by now, I am seeing a psychologist to help me to work through my stress issues and try to discover better coping techniques.

Last Thursday we talked about having suicidal thoughts, cutting, and being gay. A bit of a comparison is necessary here. I told my brother about those same things and his response was quite different from the psychologist's. He was very concerned about my having suicidal thoughts and that I wanted to cut myself (this was before I ended up doing so). He didn't really focus much on my being gay other then to point out that he loves me no matter what. The psychologist on the other hand was almost disinterested in those things. She seemed to examine them casually and with no real concern. Her main interest, though, was that I was attracted to other guys.

Being gay is like being left-handed for me. It's just part of me and is something that assists in defining a part of the whole of me. It does not control my life but influences me and inspires me just as my religious, moral, and intellectual views influence me. I see it as no more consuming then a normal straight person would be overwhelmed by liking the opposite sex.

The psychologist offered a therapy that she professed would change my orientation. In essence, she told me I could become straight if I wanted to (with her help and a fixed determination). I declined her offer. I didn't believe it was something I wanted. I don't think it would be healthy for me to undergo such an attempt. I also believe it would ultimately fail. Ultimately, I believe it would just increase the stress exponentially. I have no doubt that undergoing such therapy would dramatically increase my suicidal thoughts to the point even that I would attempt what I think.

I just don't need that.

I don't believe that God wants me to go down that avenue. From all that I've read, watched, and listened to, I also believe and understand that what she was advocating is highly controversial. There is no real claim that such therapy even works to turn a gay person straight. Besides, I love how my emotions and views are affected by my being gay. It gives me a chance to view the world in a different way just as being moderately liberal at an overwhelmingly conservative school gives me the chance to better explore and understand this amazingly beautiful and complex world that I live in.

So, in written form, my response to my psychologists offer is this: I don't need it. I'm fine being gay. I'm happy with it and even content. I have no doubts that God loves me and that I am of infinite worth to Him. I do not believe the therapy that you recommend truly works in the same way that you imply. I think such therapy is unhealthy, unnatural, and even dangerous. I would rather define my life by the gifts I'm given instead of trying to exchange them for something else.

Freedom from the Darkness

I quit my job last week. It took six months and my older brother to convince of the negative influence it was having on my life. My former job wasn't hard by any stretch of the imagination. It wasn't some terrible job in the sense that it asks for heavy lifting or anything remotely related to that. I was a custodian at a building on campus and I worked for only three hours a day from 5 - 8am. During the summer and early part of the fall semester it wasn't that bad and it was even enjoyable to do. It kept me busy and gave me something new to do.

But the months wore on and school became progressively harder. Everything just seemed to get harder, sadder, and darker. My memories of the Fall semester are tainted by a remembrance of frustration and unending stress. It just felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. When then Winter semester began, things hadn't improved. I felt like I was barely holding on and was even further isolated from what I felt was "everything and everyone." At school I felt like I was behind everyone and disconnected. My desire to kill myself became amplified over the past month. Then, of course, I cut myself.

My older brother and I talked then. He shared his view that work was causing unnecessary stress in my life and causing harm everywhere else in my life. I believed him but didn't do anything about it. The next week I came down with the flu and became unable to work. I felt terrible and sick the entire time and was just exhausted. Sunny Llama was the one that told me to go see the doctor (thanks!).

It was that Thursday, about two weeks back now, that I realized I had to quit my job. I'll never forget the peace and joy I felt at seeing the sun already up. The world seemed so happy and so bright. It just felt so wonderful. I knew I couldn't go back to work. It would be like resigning myself to utter abandonment and eventual unspeakable things. I quit the Wednesday after that. Yes, it took me two more work days to final dig up the nerve to do so.

I was and still am thrilled over quitting. I don't know how I will pay for things but I haven't felt so happy and cheerful like this in probably many months.

In another post I'll share what the psychologist told me on Thursday concerning my being gay.