Understandings

I finally understand something that has eluded me all summer. I now realize that when I search for answers to my question it is not due in part to some yearning for there to be a God (though that does play a certainly important role) but rather a sense of being lost on the storm-tossed waves of the sea. I recognize that I seek guidance and understanding for where I am currently at in my life. I have never allowed such a situation to occur and am, honestly, frightened by it. I feel as though I am staring into certain darkness ahead of me with the glow of the status quo behind me, beckoning to me.

I know where I've been. It had its ups and its downs but the darkness that engulfed my life for more than two years in no way outweighs the sense of goodness that comes from it. Those entries from the darkness in my life can still be read. Go ahead, read them. But I know that where I stand now is brighter, more positive, and more wonderful than anything that existed before. It is like take the sun's light and comparing it to a candle's. No competition.

So, I realize that my yearning is due to the uncertainty that I am facing right now. I don't know what my next step is after college and I fear that I am running out of time to properly figure it out. I am struggling to find answers to my questions concerning theism and organized and unorganized (and even disorganized) religion. I still don't know what I believe. Yet the more I study the more I realize that I just don't believe the words of so many men and women concerning God. I believe they are beautiful and inspiring but no more so than the words of politicians, philosophers, play writers, and authors. I find that the answer to my question seems to lie far beyond where I sit in my comfy apartment and lifestyle (I do not mean to say that I think asceticism is the right path). I still am struggling to decide if my decision to remain at my school was the right decision. Lastly, I am trying to become more comfortable with myself and to constantly improve myself.