Far from Home

Atheism

2010-01-23T12:27:00.000-08:00

The appeal of atheism lies in its explanatory powers and in how it reflects upon my thoughts and feelings. I was not always inclined towards atheism as earlier blog posts can attest to. Rather, I was a very devout theist. I do not begrudge that part of my life or think ill upon it. The explanatory power that theism provided in my life was sufficient to carry me through the proverbial storms of life and in attempting to understand myself. But, like other things in life, I outgrew it and found that its system of explanations could no longer provide sufficient information and therefore turned elsewhere to seek out truth.

I wanted to write this as an attempt to establish the foundational views that I have. See, for me, atheism isn't so much a world view as just a conclusion that I accept on one area of life. Atheism, for me, is not some universal theory that answers everything. Rather, it is a theory that considers only the natural world to exist. So onto the foundational views that I now possess.

First, all that occurs in life is the result of and can be explained by some natural law or phenomenon. The sun rises and falls due to the earth's orbit and the seasons are the result of the earth's revolution around our star. The earth is over several billion years old and this can be determined through isotopic dating. Evolution is an empirically verified theory that can be demonstrated in the lab and is observable in nature. This is the vehicle that can explain the much documented fossils of primitive life.

Second, human actions and reactions are the result of complex interactions that can range from one person to a couple to many to millions to even billions. The existence of morals is the result of evolutionary biological factors, history, geography, social forces, and human thought. The Hammurabi Code can be explained partially by evolutionary biology and can also be explained by the social and historical factors at the time.

Third, while humans have obtained an incredible amount of knowledge about the natural world around us in such a short period of time, we still do not know everything and probably know very little about the world and the universe surrounding us. This is especially clear when time and time again the fields of psychology, political science, and other soft science realms cannot consistently and accurately demonstrate theories with the level of accuracy and consistency that the hard sciences are able to do. In other words, the soft sciences that attempt to explain the phenomenon of humans still do not know or understanding us fully. This inability to explain everything is not something to complain about but to rejoice in! Imagine how dreary the world would be if there was no more knowledge to strive for.

Fourth, I see no evidence to conclude even with reasonable certainty that any of the Gods of Mormonism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Shintoism, Paganism, or of the other religions exist. Further, I do not see any reason to conclude that anything supernatural exists. But, I would like to explain further that I do not state that there is no God or some kind of supernatural force in the universe. I acknowledge that such a possibility, however unlikely, may exist. I see no evidence as of yet to consider such a possibility to be probable or even worth investigating or believing in. It is my own personal opinion, or belief, that, as based on the evidence, there is no such thing as a God or gods. I do not define myself as an Agnostic because I conclude that all things have the potential of being explained by science and philosophy. Therefore, I do not consider God to be beyond the realm of explanation. I consider God to be the invention of the human mind and therefore well within the explanatory powers of the sciences and philosophies of humanity. Definitions of God that place it beyond the capacity of science to explain, seek out, or show empirical evidence for is the equivalent of Russell's Teapot and are unnecessary to interact with, in my opinion.

Fifth, I respect the rights of all people to be able to believe or not believe whatever they wish to believe, or not believe, in. I do not begrudge the willing desire of theists to embrace the notion of the supernatural. I only take issue with the desire of theists to impose their belief system, whatever it is they believe in, upon the whole of the populace. I do not see reason to conclude that religion has the right to impose its own strain of morality upon anyone outside of its belief structure. For example, I do not agree with the LDS Church and its network of friendly faiths that successfully passed Proposition 8 in California in 2008 in imposing their view upon society. Now while I realize that Proposition 8 was a complex issue and the motivations behind it vary from person to person and organization to organization and cannot be diluted down to the point that I have just done, I only meant to explain the situation as perceived by myself: the LDS Church sought to put their beliefs in the sanctity of heterosexual marriage at the expense of homosexual marriage.

Sixth, since removing the theistic notions that assisted in the depression that I experienced last year I see the world around me as beautiful and fully of a vitality that I can barely comprehend. This aestheticism of mine has led me to care more about the natural world around me than I have had in the invisible and unknowable realm of the supernatural.

Someday

2010-01-19T09:16:00.001-08:00

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I man known" (1 Corinthians 13:11-12). These are verses that follow after Paul's words on charity. It is my hope that the sentiments that he expressed will be the same as those that persecute, harass, and hate people like me. My heart is filled with anger and it is constantly directed at these people that hate me.

But I choose to change my heart now. Why should I waste my energy on people that wish to hate me? No amount of my hatred will change their views. They will still continue to portray gays and lesbians as child molesters or are the products of being molested as children, rapists, abusers, compulsively promiscuous, and are the products of a delusional and warped mind. I will no longer carry hatred toward those that express their insecurities and hatred in acts of violence, terror, and hate-filled words.

We are all humans. I am and so are the ones that express hatred towards people like me. Whether our origin is divine or natural, we are still all related. We are members of the same species and share a common ancestry. We have the power to decide our own destiny. We can overcome misery, suffering, and hatred to achieve a peace that transcends the simplistic view we hold now in defining it as the absence of war.

That is my hope. I have only one last scripture to share (again taken from the Bible), "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee" (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Questions and Drift

2010-01-18T10:51:00.000-08:00

It's raining outside. The weather is nearly cold enough for it to snow...but at this point no snow. I'm definitely happy about that! There's a lot on my mind as of late from morality to theism to school to just life in general. I have a lot of decisions to make right now. Some of those decisions are what do I want to do after I graduate next year and others are how do I find an answer to the existence of God. Honestly, the wide range of questions is great and all, but I never make time to work through them to find answers.

Nice, huh?

Still, that's the point of this blog. Work through my questions, explore my options, and come to a decision. I already know the God question would take a long time. Some closure is necessary but for now I will hold that off. Questions about how best to improve my health are high priority alongside my want to be on top of my finances and moving away from my interest in pornography and masturbation.

As of now, I'm sitting in the dark at the kitchen table. Two of my roommates have left for the three-day weekend, two are gone to who-know-where and my last roommate is just relaxing in his room. None of us are party animals by any stretch of the imagination but we are most certainly not geeks (maybe I am the closest, ha ha!). We enjoy a good time like anyone else but our interests take us far from the party scene.

Thus concludes this rambling post.

Respect for Parents

2010-01-14T22:01:00.000-08:00

When I was a child and teenager, I walked in both the literal and figurative footsteps of my parents. It times it seemed so easy to do so. I have never been one to defy authority (I may joke and tease but never defy) and that view followed naturally with my relationship with my parents. The only form of rebellion that I displayed towards my parents was in my laziness and apathy. But that is a story for another time. I was in line with parents religiously, politically, and socially. I agreed with them on virtually every level...

Like all things, I have changed since my childhood days. I no longer find solace or truth in the faith that my parents cherish and derive their worldview from. My political views have pulled me towards the opposite side of the spectrum in an area that stands in opposition to my parents' vision of the way things should be in a perfect world. Lastly, my social views have changed to become a strange bending and twisting of beliefs that my parents refuse to accept. Such seemingly chasm-like separation has left us on shaky grounds. There is a sense that this altering of beliefs may somehow fundamentally alter how we see each other and even our very relationship with each other.

Over the past year I have felt a growing sense of resentment towards my parents and all that they hold dear and true. That resentment has taken the form of mockery, sarcasm, and an almost nagging insistence that they acknowledge my views as legitimate. In all this time, I have been performing a self-centered focus on me. Never once have I acknowledged, until now, that my parents are right (or wrong) in their beliefs. I believe that they have earned the right a long time ago to have their opinions respected and to be listened to even if I do not agree with them. More importantly, I must accept the reality that they are human and not perfect just as I am most certainly not. I cannot hold their faults over their heads but must let things go and accept them for who they are. Not only accept, but love them.

They have the right to believe what they believe. That belief is something I must respect no matter how much I may disagree. After all, my disagreeing with their views on things does not justify disrespect, mocking of their beliefs, or ignoring what they have to say. If I wish for them to respect me and treat me like an adult, I must first do the same towards them.

I love my parents and always have. My views on things change nothing about how I feel towards them. But I must certainly give my parents the respect and dignity they have earned. I must put how I feel into actions and deeds.

What Does it Mean to Be Human?

2010-01-14T21:56:00.000-08:00

I want to begin again. No, not start over and destroy what I've accomplished, but to come to an understanding of just who I am, what I have become. I have found out where my “home” is. That discovery has meant so much to me. I no longer feel like a stranger in my own skin. I feel like a new creature with eyes open for the first time. My entire concept of who I am has changed. I can't quite explain it in all its entirety because I don't understand it. Now I want to better understand what that means. So I want to explore, essentially, what it means to be human.

That's the direction that I want to go with this blog. I want to come to an understanding of what it means to be human in this day and age with all the circumstances that surround me. I don't want to just let life affect me but I want to understand it and seize upon the chances that are given me. As is no surprise, I don't know where this will take me, but I want to go and give it a try and find out for myself. I hope to make my life a journey of self-discovery and come to an understanding of how the world truly functions.

But first things first, of course! I'm still a student at a school that would prefer for me to not express the core aspects of my being (being gay and exploring the philosophies and arguments of atheism). So, I must define myself accordingly and shield those vulnerable spots from those individuals and institutions that would seek to do harm to me. How am I to do this? Well, I would simply maintain this identity that exists online and keep it hidden from all those know me personally. There may come a time when I will reveal this to them and they can then read all that I have written during my time here. But that is in the distant future.

Understandings

2009-10-12T13:42:00.000-07:00

I finally understand something that has eluded me all summer. I now realize that when I search for answers to my question it is not due in part to some yearning for there to be a God (though that does play a certainly important role) but rather a sense of being lost on the storm-tossed waves of the sea. I recognize that I seek guidance and understanding for where I am currently at in my life. I have never allowed such a situation to occur and am, honestly, frightened by it. I feel as though I am staring into certain darkness ahead of me with the glow of the status quo behind me, beckoning to me.

I know where I've been. It had its ups and its downs but the darkness that engulfed my life for more than two years in no way outweighs the sense of goodness that comes from it. Those entries from the darkness in my life can still be read. Go ahead, read them. But I know that where I stand now is brighter, more positive, and more wonderful than anything that existed before. It is like take the sun's light and comparing it to a candle's. No competition.

So, I realize that my yearning is due to the uncertainty that I am facing right now. I don't know what my next step is after college and I fear that I am running out of time to properly figure it out. I am struggling to find answers to my questions concerning theism and organized and unorganized (and even disorganized) religion. I still don't know what I believe. Yet the more I study the more I realize that I just don't believe the words of so many men and women concerning God. I believe they are beautiful and inspiring but no more so than the words of politicians, philosophers, play writers, and authors. I find that the answer to my question seems to lie far beyond where I sit in my comfy apartment and lifestyle (I do not mean to say that I think asceticism is the right path). I still am struggling to decide if my decision to remain at my school was the right decision. Lastly, I am trying to become more comfortable with myself and to constantly improve myself.

Happy!

2009-09-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

Summer has faded away in such a way that has left me smiling sincerely and wistfully. It was a fun set of months complete with much questioning, soul-searching, and discovering. I didn't hold a job all throughout the summer, a source of stress and frustration, but I did manage to sort through some of the confusion surrounding the chaos I sent my religious beliefs into. That sorting of thought led me to better understand what exactly I am feeling and what I am truly seeking.

But more on that later.

How do I feel? Intensely curious, joyful, peaceful, optimistic, and energetic. I find so much peace in all that I do. I find this in self-discovery, at work, during school, working on homework, and in my downtime. In everything I do a feeling of peace and joy seems to permeate my life! I don't mean a kind of manic or high intensity but one that leaves me without stress, darkness, or frustration. Sure, I feel down at times. But my recovery has become so quick that I can now admit that I am happy more often that I am sad. That is truly wonderful!

To avoid this whole joy-fest, I'll stop now. But I wanted to post this in further documentation of the change in my life.

Priorities

2009-06-22T13:58:00.001-07:00

It's interesting how a person's interests can change. A quick perusal of previous posts shows that I valued religion highly and wanted to avoid nearly anything homosexual. Under that thought process I began to hate my life and wanted to just be finished with everything. Now, with the LDS religion having lost its hold, my desire to at last find love in the way my body appears to be interested in has become important...to a point. I find it interesting.

Under the professed beliefs of love, hope, and faith I desperately wanted death, happiness, and an end to the growing darkness in my mind. How was any of that a true reflection of the supposed Gospel of peace and love? Certainly seeking happiness (or joy as I had called it) is a worthwhile thing. But I realize now how fruitless that search had been. I was growing weary of living yet was trapped in this life. My own poetry seemed to show a longing for the desire to be dead.

Now, I am thrilled with every second of my life. I want to constantly improve and move beyond the former desires of my body, or addictions. I just feel this energy to clear away the rubbish in my mind and soul. So I have to wonder: was it the desire of a God to condemn me for something I had no power over? Am I sinning for having so much joy and peace in my heart? I feel free beyond expression!

Is this what religion is supposed to be? Peace, love, joy, optimism? If not, it should be. I have more happiness and joy in my life right now than ever before! I look forward to the day when I can remove the final shackles holding me down, holding me back.

Yet through all of this, religion is set to be vigorously and rigorously challenged and questioned. It's unchallenged control in my life nearly ruined me. How shall I treat it now? With hatred? Ridicule? Compassion? Curiosity? I only want to seek the truth and rescue myself from the edge of oblivion.

The Better Man

2009-06-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

The measure of worth of a religion or the sect of a religion is not in how they treat their members, though that is crucially important, but how they treat those outside the community of believers. "For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? (Matthew 5: 46-47)" Being compassionate, merciful, and showing support for those outside your particular faith is truly what matters.

Haven't centuries of fighting between religions taught us anything? Demonizing our foes is not what God wants. There is already enough hate in the world. Why not go down a different path; one of compassion and understanding?

Mormons even state in their Articles of Faith "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own consciousness, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." That is a statement among the Mormon community ensuring that all those that do not espouse the Mormon view of God to worship in peace. Shouldn't this extend into all areas of life: political, social, and private?

I went to a church service with conservative Christians today. The service was a unique experience for me. It was the first time I had ever watched people worship God with a band. The message was on Genesis 31. Things were interesting in the sense that they were from a view I was not used to. People shouted "amen" and held their hands up in worship all of which does not happen in the Mormon church (though we do say amen but it's at the end of talks/sermons). I was fine with all that. I wanted to experience something new and different from what I have so far experienced.

What bothered me was when the pastor expressed his anger towards "unbelievers" invoking the name of God in their actions. He was mad at "unbelievers" using scriptures against Christians. He then proceeded to use the example of homosexuals. His very voice seemed to drip venom at the word "homosexual." It was an ugly and profane word to him. He expressed his disgust at homosexuals using the Bible to argue against Christians that viewed being gay as a heinous sin.

He never seemed to consider that a so-called homosexual would be there in his congregation. He never once considered that he might be saying something offensive. While I sat there listening, I couldn't help but wonder "Does he try to read and learn about homosexuality? Does he care about what we experience and go through?" His words, so full of hate, nearly closed my heart and mind to the message he was sharing. Surely homosexuality is something that shouldn't bar a person from seeking God. Did God create all things? So the Christians claim. Did he not proclaim all creation good? Did homosexuality somehow sneak past him during creation that he didn't mean to bless it? Surely God, all-knowing as he is, knew that homosexuality was part of creation and therefore considered it good.

But whether he did or not is certainly not the point. The point is: the pastor considered me an outsider and unworthy to even approach the Bible. What does that say about his community of faith's approach to outsiders? I am not wanted and unworthy. Why on earth, then, would I ever want to show compassion to them when they truly have none for me or those like me?

Yet, as Jesus has taught in the Bible, I will turn the other cheek. I will be the better man in this.

Baptism of Death

2009-06-03T20:05:00.001-07:00

I believe I can credit this radical change of self to religion, or more specifically atheism. The alteration of my religious beliefs have been the most dramatic and challenging. I spent some time over a month ago reading a book by Richard Dawkins called "The God Delusion." The book gave me power to challenge my beliefs in God and successfully destroyed twenty-three years of built up belief in the existence of a God. So successful was it that I went towards agnosticism.

Yet I couldn't go further. Not yet. I did not want to allow one book to change everything in my life. I wanted to return to theism but more carefully. I wanted to seek a belief in God. The wonderful thing about that was that my old beliefs towards God were shed. I had become new in my view of religion, morality, and beliefs.

Perhaps that strongest change in my internal morality compass was that being gay and believing in God are no longer intertwined. I don't see having a belief in God as conflicting with my desire to find companionship. I feel free at last and that is an amazing thing.

I don't know if there is a God. I don't know if such a Being has ever existed in all my life and all the eons before and after me. I want to know now but I want to better understand that belief and explore the world before me. I am, at last, a creature born anew in religion. Freed from the previous views on God and morality. I feel like I can stand up straight for the first time in my life. I have this sense of inner peace that I can at last seek out the questions I have long held.

So atheism is to thank for this theistic-leaning agnosticism. It killed the God I had built up in my mind and gave me the key to challenging everything I had ever believed. Now I want to know the truth. I have this thirst to know if there is a God.

And for once in my religious life I feel 100% confident that I am doing the right thing.

I am happy and free of guilt for the first time in a long time.

The Unmentioned Vacation

2009-06-03T17:00:00.001-07:00

Nearly four months have passed since my last post. I had to read my previously posts to refresh my memory of all that I had written. I must confess that I didn't realize how much my life has changed since the last one. My life, I will admit, is not the same. So, I want to give a brief summary of some subjects in a token effort to catch my blog up on my life.

1. I am no longer in the closet. I came out in the past four months to nearly the rest of my family (with the exception of my sister), close and casual friends, and am no longer acting under the belief of "I am gay but I will resist it." In some ways, perhaps, my sexuality has come the closest to being a non-issue since I first came to an understanding that I was homosexual.

2. I am no longer depressed. Sure I have moments when I get down. But I no longer have thoughts about killing. I still have the urge to cut but that is due, in my opinion, to some kind of addiction than a true conscious need. My stress level has dropped phenomenally. I can't even believe it!

3. I am no longer a devout Mormon. This is perhaps the most complicated issue currently in my life. But I basically went from being theistic to atheistic to agnostic to agnostic leaning towards hoping that theism is true.

I will go into greater detail in later posts. But I have become so happy and free! I can hardly believe such a thing was possible!

50 Minutes

2009-02-09T00:27:00.001-08:00

It's pretty late here. But I wanted to post on my visit with the psychologist this past Thursday. I visited with her and it was for the most part pleasant. For the most part things went well...but then it changed subtly. As is well known by now, I am seeing a psychologist to help me to work through my stress issues and try to discover better coping techniques.

Last Thursday we talked about having suicidal thoughts, cutting, and being gay. A bit of a comparison is necessary here. I told my brother about those same things and his response was quite different from the psychologist's. He was very concerned about my having suicidal thoughts and that I wanted to cut myself (this was before I ended up doing so). He didn't really focus much on my being gay other then to point out that he loves me no matter what. The psychologist on the other hand was almost disinterested in those things. She seemed to examine them casually and with no real concern. Her main interest, though, was that I was attracted to other guys.

Being gay is like being left-handed for me. It's just part of me and is something that assists in defining a part of the whole of me. It does not control my life but influences me and inspires me just as my religious, moral, and intellectual views influence me. I see it as no more consuming then a normal straight person would be overwhelmed by liking the opposite sex.

The psychologist offered a therapy that she professed would change my orientation. In essence, she told me I could become straight if I wanted to (with her help and a fixed determination). I declined her offer. I didn't believe it was something I wanted. I don't think it would be healthy for me to undergo such an attempt. I also believe it would ultimately fail. Ultimately, I believe it would just increase the stress exponentially. I have no doubt that undergoing such therapy would dramatically increase my suicidal thoughts to the point even that I would attempt what I think.

I just don't need that.

I don't believe that God wants me to go down that avenue. From all that I've read, watched, and listened to, I also believe and understand that what she was advocating is highly controversial. There is no real claim that such therapy even works to turn a gay person straight. Besides, I love how my emotions and views are affected by my being gay. It gives me a chance to view the world in a different way just as being moderately liberal at an overwhelmingly conservative school gives me the chance to better explore and understand this amazingly beautiful and complex world that I live in.

So, in written form, my response to my psychologists offer is this: I don't need it. I'm fine being gay. I'm happy with it and even content. I have no doubts that God loves me and that I am of infinite worth to Him. I do not believe the therapy that you recommend truly works in the same way that you imply. I think such therapy is unhealthy, unnatural, and even dangerous. I would rather define my life by the gifts I'm given instead of trying to exchange them for something else.

Freedom from the Darkness

2009-02-08T19:24:00.000-08:00

I quit my job last week. It took six months and my older brother to convince of the negative influence it was having on my life. My former job wasn't hard by any stretch of the imagination. It wasn't some terrible job in the sense that it asks for heavy lifting or anything remotely related to that. I was a custodian at a building on campus and I worked for only three hours a day from 5 - 8am. During the summer and early part of the fall semester it wasn't that bad and it was even enjoyable to do. It kept me busy and gave me something new to do.

But the months wore on and school became progressively harder. Everything just seemed to get harder, sadder, and darker. My memories of the Fall semester are tainted by a remembrance of frustration and unending stress. It just felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. When then Winter semester began, things hadn't improved. I felt like I was barely holding on and was even further isolated from what I felt was "everything and everyone." At school I felt like I was behind everyone and disconnected. My desire to kill myself became amplified over the past month. Then, of course, I cut myself.

My older brother and I talked then. He shared his view that work was causing unnecessary stress in my life and causing harm everywhere else in my life. I believed him but didn't do anything about it. The next week I came down with the flu and became unable to work. I felt terrible and sick the entire time and was just exhausted. Sunny Llama was the one that told me to go see the doctor (thanks!).

It was that Thursday, about two weeks back now, that I realized I had to quit my job. I'll never forget the peace and joy I felt at seeing the sun already up. The world seemed so happy and so bright. It just felt so wonderful. I knew I couldn't go back to work. It would be like resigning myself to utter abandonment and eventual unspeakable things. I quit the Wednesday after that. Yes, it took me two more work days to final dig up the nerve to do so.

I was and still am thrilled over quitting. I don't know how I will pay for things but I haven't felt so happy and cheerful like this in probably many months.

In another post I'll share what the psychologist told me on Thursday concerning my being gay.

The Thoughts of a Fool

2009-01-21T14:03:00.000-08:00

I wish I wasn't writing this but I feel I must. I think it's high time I discuss some of the other issues that I struggle with. I call it sorrow because I haven't been diagnosed with depression or anything (just General Anxiety Disorder). When I was a sophomore/junior in high school, I unfortunately began to perform self-mutilation on myself. I didn't use a razor or a knife (thought about it) but used a pencil because it was discreet. My parents never found out about it and I eventually managed to overcome my need for it by finding healthier ways to work through my problems.

I appears I haven't learned my lesson.

Unfortunately, after 5-6 years I have cut myself again. As I sit on the computer there are four angry red slashes across my right forearm. I cried and I cried today feeling like an utter failure (these feelings have not passed). It frightens me to the point that I don't know what to do. I feel utterly and completely lost and I feel like no one even notices.

It seems like unless I make a sound I am forgotten and not even needed. But enough on that. Unfortunately, there is something else that haunts me now. Over the past six-seven months, the usual suicide thoughts that came about once or twice every few months (or even a year) have become more frequent to the point of occurring several times a week. I feel emotionally taxed already alongside a bad ability to handle stress, worn out from constant school work and just working to find ways to solve my financial situation. I believe that the suicide thoughts are still at the stage of harmless but are alarming nonetheless.

I don't know what to do. I need help. But it feels like everything in my life is just falling apart...and I can't seem to stop it. I'm terrified that if this isn't crisis mode yet that I won't be able to handle crisis mode.

I apologize for these remarks. I feel like such an utter failure.

Recognition

2009-01-12T08:05:00.001-08:00

Honesty has more concrete definitions to it then the vague notion of simply following "the truth." Honesty, in my opinion and especially in my efforts with what is going on in my life, means not accepting the shallow answers but making an effort to dig deeper and not settle down until I believe that I have reached a reasonable conclusion on a particular answer. It means that I let go of preconceived notions on what is right and wrong and instead approach it from the lens of both science and religion. It means, ultimately, trusting that there are truthful answers out there that will better my life and that those answers will likely come from the most unlikely of places.

I drifted away from this sense of home for many reasons, among them the reason of believing that I no longer felt attachment to the same beliefs professed earlier by myself. If I am to ever to find where I belong, a home, I must accept that my current beliefs may have faults and that I am not immune to correction. I can rise above the issues that plague me currently. I have managed to achieve a willingness to accept that they do exist and that I have the power to alter them for my benefit and improvement.

Responsibility. Joy. Hope. Understanding. Knowledge. Conviction. Willpower. Courage. Optimism. These are all traits I need to garner and improve. But in so doing I cannot believe that I must shift my emphasis away from religion and being gay. Determining what those mean in my life and how I will approach them will do far more to affect the traits I seek then an effort in cultivation of traits.

This, I think, is the first entry I have written that has a strong vein of hope running through it. But I know that it will not be easier. I have failed so many, many times before this and may well likely fail again. But this desire within to change grows stronger every passing moment. My choice to act on it each time seems to only make me stronger and more able to resist again and again after each failed attempt. The failure shrinks. The sting of the backward slide decreases while the determination to try again grows stronger.

I recognize this now.

Stirrings

2009-01-11T18:55:00.000-08:00

I have been delaying this post on my religion because I haven't been quite sure how to write it. But now I feel as though I know how to proceed in this. This heart of mine yearns to find release from the troubles that I have permitted to come upon it. The one major concern that obstructs progress forward, though, is the lack of knowing where or how to proceed. I realize this is due to some of my religious questionings that have gone on as of late in my head.

But even knowing this does not alleviate the stress and the feelings of confusion and loss that fill my soul to the brim in frustration and even bitterness. I become angry for no real rational reason when I hear from the mouths of others just how at peace they are with their faith. In their words I hear the conviction of blind faith and unchallenged beliefs. I believe I pity them but I realize that I envy their simplicity and their ease at living their life without wondering and pondering over their religious opinions. When it comes to religious conversions I take strength and comfort in the stories of Alma and his son as well as of Paul. Knowing that some of the Lord's most valiant and powerful ministers were men who had at one time questioned or even been rebellious against the faith gives me hope and understanding that I am not doing wrong.

I do admit that I have been lazy and inattentive in my efforts to resolve the issues that I have. But I'm trying to change that now in an effort to solve the problems that plague me and leave me reeling in a sense of loss and emptiness. I do so with the hope that I can discover just where my home is: where I belong. At the moment I am still at a loss and even arguably at square one in all of this.

I want to change that.

I have noticed that whenever I speak or write on religion or my religious views that they are inevitably connected with some desire of mine to improve, grow, and become better. Coincidence? More like habit from when I was a teenager. Not so surprising, as well, is the slow enmeshing of my religious views and beliefs with being gay.

Religion is something I value highly and I realize something that touches on all aspects of my life even when I am not actively involved in my church or faith. Something deep within stirs in response to the belief in the divine. It is that stirring that I feel within that has led me to identify that religion and being gay are the two most powerful stresses in my life. They alone dominate and tip the scale of stress that sends me spiraling into depression and feelings of no self-worth (more on that at a later time).

Strange? Well, I believe that I have not adequately considered the question of religion properly in my life. I also have not considered the question of being gay in my life either. So I realize that my first steps towards improvement must lie in that. Then, and only then, when I feel that I have reached steadier ground and my soul isn't drowning in fears of stress and suicidal desires, can I reasonably address the next step in my relationship with God and the feelings that were placed within my mind, heart, soul, and body.

Living For

2009-01-10T12:57:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this before I start my homework. I'm a little frustrated with my roommates but I'll write on that another post. I wanted to write about something else that was weighing heavily on my mind.

What am I living for?

Currently I am alone. I have allowed local friendships shrink away in the name of homework and classwork. Ever since the start of last semester my stress level has been off the charts. In the name of homework and classwork (or perhaps in the name of something else) I experienced a major increase in suicidal thoughts and an increase in their intensity as well as even attempting to hurt myself for the first time in over five years. I have become plagued with reoccurring depression. I have begun to experience headaches for the first time in my life and now become nauseous over some of the strangest things whereas before they had never bothered me. And, ironically, I feel like I barely survived in my classes the previous semester.

So what, then, am I living for? Am I living for love? I don't even know what that is. How about friends? No, I have abandoned them and have avoided truly cultivating any in the meantime. Well, what about myself? Narcissism really isn't me.

I have a friend, named Sunny Llama, that has the most adorable dog in the world! That dog literally loves making people happy. It's virtually impossible not to love that dog! I can understand the need to have an animal. I honestly think I would get a pet too but my apartment complex frowns on the owning of pets. I can't blame them either. Plus, I'm so poor.

What joy is there in my life? At the moment I find it extremely helpful to write this all out on my blog. It gives me a chance to air out these feelings of pain and loneliness. I feel as though I can release some of the negative emotions that are building up within. In short, I feel lighter when I dump these negative feelings on the Internet.

I know I shouldn't complain. Honestly, I am lucky and fortunate to be where I am. But thinking that only just adds to my feelings of being pathetic and increasing the slowly growing desire to die.

But, for those that care, I still think I'm at low risk of actually going through with committing suicide.

What God Designed

2009-01-09T10:11:00.000-08:00

Being a gay Mormon is a strange mix. I am the one that when people talk about me they say, "Oh he is? Well, isn't that sad" or "I thought he would have done better." Well, something along those lines. I don't mean to request for pity at my lot in life. I am just adding another entry in an effort to learn how to come "home" even if that home means building a new one.

I have known since I was about twelve that I was gay but it wasn't until I was fourteen and sixteen that I came under the believe that I was somehow this ugly, abominable creation of God. I had no thought in me until the age of fourteen that there could be anything wrong with how I felt towards other guys. After all, I had feelings for both guys and girls. I just had crushes on guys a hundred times more then on girls.

When I came under the false belief that I was some abomination, life become dark and gloomy. To avoid darkening this post anymore then necessary I will summarize my activities. I engaged in self-hatred that took the form of low-level suicidal thoughts and active self-mutilation along with a generic attitude of self-loathing. When I look back upon those years, I am saddened that I had ever thought that hatred could change anything. I allowed religion, psychology, and political opinion to become twisted by my own fears and anxieties which those aspects in turn amplified my fears and anxieties to an unhealthy level. The tears of despair were innumerable and the feelings of pain over my attractions were truly unnecessary. So much wasted energy was spent in an attempt to "fix" or "cure" what God had never designed to be removed from its proper place: the soul.

I realized during my senior year of high school how terribly wrong I was. That single realization undid years of pain and self-hatred. It would take, though, another couple of years to fully undo the damage I had managed to do in my views.

Now here I am, realizing that more of my previously held views from high school concerning the nature of my soul were wrong. I have damaged and perhaps even retarded my ability to grow and improve. The sense of loss and bitterness over such a realization is inexpressible. I find that I am nearly at the point of square one and I realize now, more then ever, that I am wrong again on how things really are in life.

Anger, sorrow, bitterness, despair, hope, joy, loss, confusion, exhaustion, and curiosity somehow have managed to merge together despite their clear and obvious differences. I use to think that any issues I had with my attractions had been laid to rest months ago. I was happy and content with being gay. But after a conversation with the psychiatrist, I am left to wonder if I have been attempting to look the other way as I continued to twist and warp the very fabric of my soul in unhealthy and damaging ways.

Perhaps, ultimately, the only way I will ever anchor my soul is to reexamine just how I am handling things especially on this subject and to let things go and to embrace other things. The vagueness of the previous sentence should be revealing to the feeling of loss over how to even begin in this. I just wish I knew the path to proceed down, but I'm afraid that there is no path already made for me to walk down.

Heaven Only Knows

2009-01-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

I have no home here in the shadow of the mountains. Though the rocky features are certainly inspiring and moving, there is nothing that anchors me to this spot beyond going to school. I feel no deep connection to the people here and no deep connection to the culture that exists in the valleys beyond similarities in how we were raised (standards and such). My heart seems to wander about like some phantom silently moving about in search of something that perhaps never was or can be.

When I walk on campus I am reminded of things I feel that are denied to me on several levels. The happiness of others is something that I envy not because I am forbidden it (though that is a subject for another entry), but because I feel a sense of loss. With no anchor I am adrift socially, spiritually, and emotionally. The words of others seem to slide off me without leaving too much of a mark. A casual smile on my part leaves no commitment in others to engage in warmer relations with me. But such a hope on my part is small and nigh unto being extinguished.

I use to walk down the paths of my school and the streets beyond campus feeling as though a weight were pressing me down. It felt like too much effort to smile or even to reach out and engage in social interactions with my peers. But I realized that such an attitude on my part was unhealthy and it led me to talking with the psychologist. Yet sterile conversation holds no joy for me beyond the hope of finding the right and helpful coping mechanisms that can assist me in moving beyond this shadowed, homeless living.

I am lost and adrift upon this sea of uncertainty known as life. But even more painful and hurtful in all of this: I am alone. And that is something that gnaws at me and leaves me to wonder if in all my efforts to work through my "problems," it is worth it. Can a healthy mind with no one to engage in on a deeper level truly be worth the effort or am I just kidding myself? Heaven only knows.

Of Snow and Religion

2009-01-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

The torrential snowfall of the past 24+ hours came to an end earlier this day (finally). With its passing, the sun came out and proceeded to promptly melt the snow on the ground and on the streets (which are now iced over). I went out earlier this evening to walk among the snow. I'll confess, it did sparkle and glitter under the light of stars, moon, and city lights. As quaint as snow is, though, I am not much of a fan of it just for the simple fact that I find it an inconvenience. It is wet, cold, and feel oppressive in its blanketing of the landscape beneath a single solitary color of pure white. It muffles sound and turns a good deal of people back into their houses. The neighborhoods and parks become quiet and I am left to wander in a ghost-like world. My apologies to all those lovers of snow whatever those reasons may be. I just don't have it in me to find that beauty that others see in frozen, crystallized water.

The reason behind my walk in this winter "wonderland" was to go visit the bishop (I'm Mormon) of my ward or congregation. I went to visit the bishop at his request and had the usual "who are you?" kind of conversations. Having grown up all my life as a Mormon (I'm not from Utah, thank you very much), I have become used to the questions that bishops ask (not that much different from a psychologist or a friendly get together with newly arrived neighbors or roommates). There were the crucial questions such as name, town of origin, what I am studying at school, and what do I plan to do with myself after schooling comes to an end. All important facts for certain.

But I have long grown weary of this surface level type of interaction that it seems that I have engaged in and find sufficient in my daily comings and goings. I realize that I let my relationships with many people that I meet now a days exist on a shallow level. So continuing on, the bishop had his agenda for meeting with me and I had mine for meeting with him. After some discussion I quickly broached the subject of discussing some of the religious questions I had. While I consider myself a faithful Mormon, I also have questions that I find necessary to answer and, in which, level me deeply curious and desirous to have answered. But to avoid handing out boring details (maybe later...) I'll keep this story short and to the point. The bishop and I agreed to meet on a weekly basis for now to discuss my questions and to help me out in accomplishing some of the goals that I have out.

I used to be cynical of meeting with counselors, psychologists, and bishops to discuss my "problems." It always felt like I was wasting my time and that I could deal with my "problems" by myself. But I have come to accept that the problems or concerns that I have require assistance from someone that is plainly not me. That mainly comes from the circumstance that I use to fear some of the very thoughts that would go round in my own head. I reached a conclusion some months back that a person should not be afraid of their own thoughts and that partially led to where I am at at this point in my life.

I wish I had some funny anecdote to share but I have none at this time. Yet I do write poetry a lot, (not real sure if it's good or not) and may post some now and then on this blog. I put a lot of my poetry on my Facebook page but I will put some on here. Poetry has allowed me to express the emotions and thoughts that have been going on in my head as of lately and I find that therapeutic.

Where I Stand

2009-01-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

When choosing to write this, I considered several options: some teasing and some rather bland and probably uninteresting. I can only hope this appears to be interesting to more then just me. Now before I go forward, I believe an introduction is somewhat necessary before this journey even begins.

I have a reason for writing this blog (not that great of a surprise, I would imagine): to better understand who I am. Over the past two years I feel like I have become detached from who I am and become awash in tedious schooling and unhealthy habits. Imagine being put in a cage that is just tall enough to prevent you from standing fully erect and only just so wide as to not allow you to stretch your legs out fully and that is how I feel my life has become.

In some ways I feel trapped and pressed down by stress and the responsibilities that others have placed on me. Much like weeds that slowly strangle the flower from the required nutrients to sustain life. At the same time, others are not to blame for my current situation. To blame others would be a sad and foolish move on my part. Much of my current situation is the result of choices I have made (or avoided making). And now I am living the consequences of past decisions made and therefore, in many cases, have only myself to blame.

But I believe there is an escape: an escape from the labels and the traps I have fallen into; a way to correct past decisions by making proper and right decisions now that benefit me and not harm me. I see a way to escape and to step beyond what I currently am: small and insignificant. I want to become more then that but not necessarily in the form of having fame, power, or money. I just want to be more honest in my expressions.

Yes, honesty.

For I feel I am far from home and that is something no person should experience for long periods of time. I haven't felt like I was truly at home for over four years now; lost and adrift. So this blog serves as the purpose of trying to rediscover who I am and coming out of this rather small and pathetic "me."

Join me on this. Don't join me. I will make the journey regardless but certainly wouldn't say no to bystanders and observers.